Update May 14, 2012:

I'd like to say thanks to the anonymous kind soul who gave me an extended 12-month premium subscription, a million thanks and my deepest gratitude.

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No words can express the emptiness...lost interest in everything...i'm pondering the thought of putting down the pencil for good...my mom was the biggest inspiration...i'll just finish my obligations that was put on hold and then we'll see...

UPDATE:

Please don't assume that I am throwing my so called gift away because i am in mourning. No offense but all your words however comforting they are, still does not change the fact that my mom is gone. All your advice i've already thought of, i know all of them, but they still do no comfort. It's like telling myself that it's okay but its really not. Brainwashing myself into believing that everything will be okay, that i should focus, sadly i'm not the type to believe and be comforted with words alone, nothing can relieve my anguish, there's one thing, but its not possible.

None of you know who my mom really is, amongst all, I am the only one and my family knows her. whether i continue to draw is something she'll support. Wherever i go or whatever path i take, i know she'll support whatever decision i make.

Just because i feel this way does not mean i will not move. I will continue to live, i will eat, i will sleep, i will work, i will laugh, etc. But that doesn't mean i will live happy. Because just like the reality of death, i can no longer feel joy, to others this might be absurd, but you do not know me, what's it like to be me. Everything i do, i am always reminded of my mom. I walk in the mall, i see her. I watch tv, i see her. I drive, i feel i'm being stabbed in the heart, i never got to drive my mom around. everything and everywhere and anything, i see my mother. To move forward even reminds me of her. I'm not living a life of misery, but moving forward and doing what i am supposed to do is making me miserable.

Tell me, how can you not live miserably when everything you do all the time is a constant reminder of your loss?
Some would say that the heart takes time to heal. Sorry but i don't believe in that. All the heartaches that i've gone through the past never went away, they are always there. But this one overshadowed them all. I'm not a miserable person. The people who truly know me, knows that i'm very cheerful, has a lot of jokes, funny guy. I never lived a life of misery and sadness, its just that i don't forget the pain, they are always there, and I live with it, I breathe with it, I eat with it, i laugh even though its there.

Drawing is something I've wanted for myself. My parents wanted me to become a soldier, a Naval officer, to follow after my dad. But I wanted this and disobeyed them, i was the blacksheep. But eventually over the years as I've proven this career choice's worth, they've grown to love it and be proud of it.

My mom's death proved one very important thing: I'm just a man. I can create, but only on paper. The pencil will always be a reminder how limited man's capabilities. What killed my mother was not the aneurysm, but the complications brought by the operation. The doctors that handled my mom were mostly students, the hospital is famous for making the patients into case studies and guinea pigs. Mom had a stroke during the operation, which paralyzed her left body, which eventually caused her to have a heart attack, which lead to her being comatose. I have no plans of pursuing a lawsuit. I blame myself for not convincing her to not go through with the operation. My doctor who treated me for the stroke was totally against the operation. He said when the aneurysm popped my mom was still conscious but with head pains, it was a good sign he said, the pain can be managed with meds until it dissipates and when the pain is gone the aneurysm can be managed by controlling the blood pressure. He said there's a reason why God did not take your mother when the aneurysm popped, there's a reason why it happened that way. I should have listened hard.

He treated me without being hospitalized and without therapy, just the right combination of meds. In one month i could walk normally.

Still, I thank you all for the support and kind words. I can't promise to stay, but i will try. I might draw, but not like before. maybe less.

By the way, i've got a few drawings done before my stroke, will try to upload them.

Again thank you everyone for caring.

UPDATE:

Somebody finally was able to sum up what i wanted to explain, people are having a hard time understanding why, read *yatz comment below.

better yet, i pasted it, *yatz comment:

"In 54 years of life I've known loss - the last one my dad, who passed away 3 months ago - and there is one thing I've learned: NO ONE can understand your pain. This is yours and yours alone; it is, in truth, the distilled essence of your life experience with that person. And, in time, the pain WILL be lessened - never gone, but you wouldn't want it to: memory is fickle, but pain is true and clear, and it will help keep you connected to your mom. For now, do what you need to do to get through this harrowing time, just remember: your mind and body will eventually find the needed balance."