werder

Update May 14, 2012:

I'd like to say thanks to the anonymous kind soul who gave me an extended 12-month premium subscription, a million thanks and my deepest gratitude.

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No words can express the emptiness...lost interest in everything...i'm pondering the thought of putting down the pencil for good...my mom was the biggest inspiration...i'll just finish my obligations that was put on hold and then we'll see...

UPDATE:

Please don't assume that I am throwing my so called gift away because i am in mourning. No offense but all your words however comforting they are, still does not change the fact that my mom is gone. All your advice i've already thought of, i know all of them, but they still do no comfort. It's like telling myself that it's okay but its really not. Brainwashing myself into believing that everything will be okay, that i should focus, sadly i'm not the type to believe and be comforted with words alone, nothing can relieve my anguish, there's one thing, but its not possible.

None of you know who my mom really is, amongst all, I am the only one and my family knows her. whether i continue to draw is something she'll support. Wherever i go or whatever path i take, i know she'll support whatever decision i make.

Just because i feel this way does not mean i will not move. I will continue to live, i will eat, i will sleep, i will work, i will laugh, etc. But that doesn't mean i will live happy. Because just like the reality of death, i can no longer feel joy, to others this might be absurd, but you do not know me, what's it like to be me. Everything i do, i am always reminded of my mom. I walk in the mall, i see her. I watch tv, i see her. I drive, i feel i'm being stabbed in the heart, i never got to drive my mom around. everything and everywhere and anything, i see my mother. To move forward even reminds me of her. I'm not living a life of misery, but moving forward and doing what i am supposed to do is making me miserable.

Tell me, how can you not live miserably when everything you do all the time is a constant reminder of your loss?
Some would say that the heart takes time to heal. Sorry but i don't believe in that. All the heartaches that i've gone through the past never went away, they are always there. But this one overshadowed them all. I'm not a miserable person. The people who truly know me, knows that i'm very cheerful, has a lot of jokes, funny guy. I never lived a life of misery and sadness, its just that i don't forget the pain, they are always there, and I live with it, I breathe with it, I eat with it, i laugh even though its there.

Drawing is something I've wanted for myself. My parents wanted me to become a soldier, a Naval officer, to follow after my dad. But I wanted this and disobeyed them, i was the blacksheep. But eventually over the years as I've proven this career choice's worth, they've grown to love it and be proud of it.

My mom's death proved one very important thing: I'm just a man. I can create, but only on paper. The pencil will always be a reminder how limited man's capabilities. What killed my mother was not the aneurysm, but the complications brought by the operation. The doctors that handled my mom were mostly students, the hospital is famous for making the patients into case studies and guinea pigs. Mom had a stroke during the operation, which paralyzed her left body, which eventually caused her to have a heart attack, which lead to her being comatose. I have no plans of pursuing a lawsuit. I blame myself for not convincing her to not go through with the operation. My doctor who treated me for the stroke was totally against the operation. He said when the aneurysm popped my mom was still conscious but with head pains, it was a good sign he said, the pain can be managed with meds until it dissipates and when the pain is gone the aneurysm can be managed by controlling the blood pressure. He said there's a reason why God did not take your mother when the aneurysm popped, there's a reason why it happened that way. I should have listened hard.

He treated me without being hospitalized and without therapy, just the right combination of meds. In one month i could walk normally.

Still, I thank you all for the support and kind words. I can't promise to stay, but i will try. I might draw, but not like before. maybe less.

By the way, i've got a few drawings done before my stroke, will try to upload them.

Again thank you everyone for caring.

UPDATE:

Somebody finally was able to sum up what i wanted to explain, people are having a hard time understanding why, read yatz comment below.

better yet, i pasted it, yatz comment:

"In 54 years of life I've known loss - the last one my dad, who passed away 3 months ago - and there is one thing I've learned: NO ONE can understand your pain. This is yours and yours alone; it is, in truth, the distilled essence of your life experience with that person. And, in time, the pain WILL be lessened - never gone, but you wouldn't want it to: memory is fickle, but pain is true and clear, and it will help keep you connected to your mom. For now, do what you need to do to get through this harrowing time, just remember: your mind and body will eventually find the needed balance."

Update May 14, 2012:

I'd like to say thanks to the anonymous kind soul who gave me an extended 12-month premium subscription, a million thanks and my deepest gratitude.

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fellow deviants and anyone who reads this,
i'm calling out to all with a kind heart. please help my mom. she has aneurysm, bleed in her brain, we're running out of funds, she's scheduled for angiogram tomorrow to find the exact  blood vessel that popped. hospital bills are high, she has to be moved to another facility which supports both angiography and the surgery, but acquiring a room in the icu is expensive, and we have no idea how much the surgery will cost. i don't want to ask for donations but i'm desperate. please if you can,any amount will be appreciated. please help us.

please donations via paypal: junjoe.werder@gmail.com


update Oct 20 2011:

waiting for angio results. thank you so much to everyone who donated, really a big help, sorry could not thank you one by one, ton of chores left behind especially laundry, pains in my left part of head been acting up, my mom's more worried about me. again thank you so much.


update Oct 21 2011:

just got home. no sleep. talked to the neurosurgeon, the coiling procedure is so expensive, you gotta have a budget of 1M Philippine pesos which is equivalent to around 20,000 - 25,000 usd (i think), all in all, included all the bills,etc. coiling is less invasive and offers a bigger success rate. whilst the clipping procedure has an estimated cost of 500,000 Philippine pesos, all in all, included all the bills,etc. half of what coiling costs. but has greater risk and it is invasive.

we can't afford coiling, we have no choice.

problem is we only have about 200,000 Philippine pesos, your donations included. can't make anymore loans because we have a couple of still not completely paid loans. a week before my mom's aneurysm, my grandma died, we made a huge loan to cover the funeral costs, we didn't expect this to happen.

time is running, the surgeon said delaying it more will have even more complications.

i stayed with my mom all night, we talked a bit. she cried, said she should have just died so that we wouldn't be in this predicament. she wanted us to save up so that i can afford to buy a bike. i cried. i told her i don't need that stupid bike. there are a lot of people praying for your recovery. money is nothing, its not worth having if i can't use it to save you.

i know this is asking too much, but we still need more help. i can do work, but time is not a luxury we have.

again thank you everyone for all your donations.


update Oct 31 2011:

just got home from the hospital, my mother managed to pass the operation yesterday, she was returned to the ICU around 3:00 A.M.

There were complications, her vein that was supplying blood to her brain ruptured, doctor said it was weak, thus causing her to stroke. she's awake now but heavily sedated to avoid reopening the wounds. she has ulcer according to the doctor. even though heavily sedated, my mom still manages to respond to my voice. tears keep flowing down her eyes, i could only guess what's going in her mind is she's wondering, why can't i move my let hand and leg, i'm supposed to get better not worse. i know how she thinks.

whenever they suck the phlegm for her throat, my mom struggles in pain, tears just flow down her eyes, i could only imagine her pain, but seeing her like that is more painful. the only thing i could do is comfort her, hold her hand.

my brother and I went home to get some fresh clothes for my dad and for ourselves as well, but we will be returning after this. we were tired and sleepy after no sleep the past days, but seeing how our mom needs us there, we can't afford to rest.

still our main problem are the bills after all this is through, we still need a lot, but we'll manage. to everyone who helped and gave their support and prayers, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. helping out a total stranger in need, you are more than friends to me.

before the operation, i told my mom that so many were helping her and that she shouldn't lose hope. not only did you all help in our financial struggle, but helped to uplift my mom, knowing that there are a lot of caring people out there who want her to get well.

again, i can't say thank you enough.




UPDATE NOV 2 2011:

My mom is dying. she had a heart attack after being brought back from surgery. now unconscious and unresponsive. face is all swollen up.

i was against the surgery from the beginning. this turned from bad to worse.

doctors told us to just pray. that means they can't do anything, that there's zero percent chance. there's puss flowing out of my mom's nose, the nurses didn't even report it to the doctor, i had to consult my doctor about it, he told me to tell the doctor to get samples of that puss for examining.

lousy bastards.

they are just waiting there for her to die. they are not doing anything and everything.

we also noticed there's special treatment on the other icu patients. v.luna afpmc sucks!


UPDATE NOV 3, 2011:

mom passed away past 8:00 A.M. she went into cardiac arrest several times. i hate that institution. doctors are mostly students. everything done is textbook. too textbook. when the doctor explained to us my mom's situation he left few important details, he didn't tell us mom have stroke while in operation. taking us for fools.

we haven't been able to bring her body back home, a lot of stuff to taken care of.

i cried my lungs out. i haven't eaten for days, started drinking coffee again, no sleep. lost a lot of weight. my walking is a bit wobbly and my vision is multiple and blurry and hazy. my eyes swollen.

home won't be the same. i still can't believe this happened.

fellow deviants and anyone who reads this,
i'm calling out to all with a kind heart. please help my mom. she has aneurysm, bleed in her brain, we're running out of funds, she's scheduled for angiogram tomorrow to find the exact  blood vessel that popped. hospital bills are high, she has to be moved to another facility which supports both angiography and the surgery, but acquiring a room in the icu is expensive, and we have no idea how much the surgery will cost. i don't want to ask for donations but i'm desperate. please if you can,any amount will be appreciated. please help us.

please donations via paypal: junjoe.werder@gmail.com


update Oct 20 2011:

waiting for angio results. thank you so much to everyone who donated, really a big help, sorry could not thank you one by one, ton of chores left behind especially laundry, pains in my left part of head been acting up, my mom's more worried about me. again thank you so much.


update Oct 21 2011:

just got home. no sleep. talked to the neurosurgeon, the coiling procedure is so expensive, you gotta have a budget of 1M Philippine pesos which is equivalent to around 20,000 - 25,000 usd (i think), all in all, included all the bills,etc. coiling is less invasive and offers a bigger success rate. whilst the clipping procedure has an estimated cost of 500,000 Philippine pesos, all in all, included all the bills,etc. half of what coiling costs. but has greater risk and it is invasive.

we can't afford coiling, we have no choice.

problem is we only have about 200,000 Philippine pesos, your donations included. can't make anymore loans because we have a couple of still not completely paid loans. a week before my mom's aneurysm, my grandma died, we made a huge loan to cover the funeral costs, we didn't expect this to happen.

time is running, the surgeon said delaying it more will have even more complications.

i stayed with my mom all night, we talked a bit. she cried, said she should have just died so that we wouldn't be in this predicament. she wanted us to save up so that i can afford to buy a bike. i cried. i told her i don't need that stupid bike. there are a lot of people praying for your recovery. money is nothing, its not worth having if i can't use it to save you.

i know this is asking too much, but we still need more help. i can do work, but time is not a luxury we have.

again thank you everyone for all your donations.


update Oct 31 2011:

just got home from the hospital, my mother managed to pass the operation yesterday, she was returned to the ICU around 3:00 A.M.

There were complications, her vein that was supplying blood to her brain ruptured, doctor said it was weak, thus causing her to stroke. she's awake now but heavily sedated to avoid reopening the wounds. she has ulcer according to the doctor. even though heavily sedated, my mom still manages to respond to my voice. tears keep flowing down her eyes, i could only guess what's going in her mind is she's wondering, why can't i move my let hand and leg, i'm supposed to get better not worse. i know how she thinks.

whenever they suck the phlegm for her throat, my mom struggles in pain, tears just flow down her eyes, i could only imagine her pain, but seeing her like that is more painful. the only thing i could do is comfort her, hold her hand.

my brother and I went home to get some fresh clothes for my dad and for ourselves as well, but we will be returning after this. we were tired and sleepy after no sleep the past days, but seeing how our mom needs us there, we can't afford to rest.

still our main problem are the bills after all this is through, we still need a lot, but we'll manage. to everyone who helped and gave their support and prayers, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. helping out a total stranger in need, you are more than friends to me.

before the operation, i told my mom that so many were helping her and that she shouldn't lose hope. not only did you all help in our financial struggle, but helped to uplift my mom, knowing that there are a lot of caring people out there who want her to get well.

again, i can't say thank you enough.




UPDATE NOV 2 2011:

My mom is dying. she had a heart attack after being brought back from surgery. now unconscious and unresponsive. face is all swollen up.

i was against the surgery from the beginning. this turned from bad to worse.

doctors told us to just pray. that means they can't do anything, that there's zero percent chance. there's puss flowing out of my mom's nose, the nurses didn't even report it to the doctor, i had to consult my doctor about it, he told me to tell the doctor to get samples of that puss for examining.

lousy bastards.

they are just waiting there for her to die. they are not doing anything and everything.

we also noticed there's special treatment on the other icu patients. v.luna afpmc sucks!

UPDATE:

I received a new Daily Deviation feature for my: piece! This is my second!

Given by , can't say thank you enough.

A million thanks to all who viewed, commented and faved!



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I saw this at MannixFrancisco's journal which he first saw at Blasterkid. Also I was also featured in FelipeCagno who also took part in this, so I am doing my part. Here's the original post on Blasterkid's journal, the rules are in there, read on:

well. actually were off to see some kick ass art and photography.

Here's the deal:

First off I generally don't like to get involved in these pyramid type schemes....I feel it puts people out, and generally it's for something lame, like figuring out when you are going to die, or who loves you and is your secret admirer. This is really just a chance to see some kick ass art, and photography you've maybe never seen before....and if it spreads.....it might get some people hooking up that might not have ever met without a community effort like this...So hopefully it's a cool concept that spreads. But that depends on YOU.

the info:

First and most importantly...you DO have to have premium membership account to participate. You can't post art, and thumbnails in your journal without one. But beyond that: Be one of the first 18 people commenting on this journal entry, and I will add you to the "Featured Artist Spotlight List" in this journal/ For each of the 18 first people answering this journal I will put his/her avatar and the three deviations from his/her gallery on the list that I find appealing and think represent your work well and might bring some new friends your way. IMPORTANT: If you are featured you'll have to do the same in your journal, putting me on the list in the first place slot, and then completing the list with 17 other people who reply to you. The idea of this is not to get a free features, it is to spread art around for everyone.

Adding my honorary 5....and also I be pulling the people tonight that haven't done the feature...you can't be more busy than I am, and I did it...so be warned.

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^{My gallery!
My website!
My Facebook page!
My Youtube channel!
My Blog!}

stock images used